The events in the six chapters from Garbage Can through Devil Song (Chapters 15-20) all occurred over 3 ½ weeks from mid-April through early May, 2018. I wrestled and wrestled with where to put Tomorrow Never Knows, whether before or after The Secret, or as the first scene of Tania, and settled on the end of 53 Miles, using it to basically set the hook for the remainder of the book (pun intended).
Gray Rock and The Secret are an aside showing my state of mind at the midpoint of Gray Rock, a step back to assess my situation, I suppose. I had taken to ‘Gray Rocking’ as a challenge to see how long I could go (forever, I decided). The person who called me ‘the most passive-aggressive person I ever met’ wasn’t Summer. It was my Dear Producer, Melissa! She told me this pre-diagnosis, and I thought it pertinent enough to add to the story.
At this point in the story, I had narrowed down the potential D&I committee members I’d cautiously approach about my Asperger’s diagnosis and how the D&I committee could contribute to neurodiversity: Penelope of course, who already knew, a member of Phinizy’s team, a member of Team Superbad, an Integrated Deep Sea Fishing broker, and Jane. A pre-pub reader of the manuscript called The Secret the most powerful scene in the story, which I appreciate but may be a bad sign given that it’s nothing more than internal monologue!
Chapter 17: Tania
I was calling the dark side of my job “Bizzarro World” for a long time before I introduce the term in Chapter 17.
Oh, my beloved Tania
How I long to see your face photographed in fifteen second intervals
In a bank in San Leandro
A Polaroid of you, Cinque
With a seven-headed dragon
In a house in Daly City
Don’t be sad my beloved Tania
They say your father never liked Stephen Weed anyway
Hired a detective to follow him around
Oh, my beloved revolutionary sweetheart
I can see your newsprint face turn yellow in the gutter
It makes me sad
How I long for the days when you came to liberate us from boredom
From driving around
From the hours between five to seven in the evening
My beloved Tania
We carry your gun deep within our hearts
For no better reason than our lives have no meaning
And we want to be on television
Having reached the midpoint of Gray Rock, Damron has reached another false peak. His team is a top performer, confident, and he enjoys his work in spite of The MP’s occasional slights. Time to knock it all down!
I procrastinated for two months before I began writing the manuscript that became BPTW!, but I remained determined to finish the draft to send to editing by mid-October. By late May, 2019, I had to sit down and think through exactly why I procrastinated. After a period of contemplation, I made the decision to fictionalize the memoir and, importantly, make the story as “ruthlessly first-person” as I could. I also decided to start with the scenes I most feared writing, and so began with Tania. I kept referring to my notes taken at the time, which made the going entirely to slow and tedious. I decided to junk the notes and write from memory only, and after that decision, I wrote 2/3 of the manuscript in five weeks.
My notes were helpful in keeping straight the timeline of events, and occasionally my notes would contradict something I wrote on the stream-of-consciousness level. Often my subconscious mind was in denial or suppressing how emotionally wrecked I became, or humiliated I was, or angry, or my terror at the thought of Harriet or Penelope feeling uncomfortable around me. In this way, the writing was the best therapy, forcing me to be honest with myself about all things.
After I finished writing the Tania in HR scenes of Gray Rock, the most difficult scenes, I moved on to the next most-difficult scenes, which are in The Strange Remain, writing the last half of the book in reverse chronological order for the most part. Then I wrote the rest of the second half of Gray Rock, and the second half of Destination Unknown. In late July, I had an operational pause to assess where I was and what was left.
I had 55,000 defensible words, but my objective was 70,000. All of my notes were in, but I still had a ways to go, and lacked that ‘linkage’ between the end of Destination Unknown and Tania. Unsure of what to do next, I began revising what I had, which reminded me of many additional details and stories. One month later, I had 85,000 words, which I felt comfortable showing to Melissa.
Melissa read Destination Unknown and thought it was dreck! And she was right. I began deleting extraneous material and re-arranging scenes and chapters to sharpen the story line (with a big assist from my friend and fellow traveler Alyssa Richards). I probably deleted 15,000 words and wrote another 10,000 before sending off to Sandy for editing at the end of October.
Because I had already beaten every chapter of the manuscript to a bloody pulp, editing was almost a non-event. But I made a few key changes and additions thanks to Sandy’s feedback. I’m proud of the end-product, and it meets my criteria for the project and as a writer: I’m comfortable defending every sentence of the story. And nowhere in the story am I more confident defending the facts and the writing than Tania through the end of Gray Rock.
Chapter 18: Ambiguity Song
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
One day soon, it’ll all settle down
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
All across the nation, people are gettin’ together
From many ideas they form a single goal
Some people are gonna benefit
And others gotta sacrifice
But everything seems to seems to be up in the air at this time
I got some certain special feelings for you
I don’t know if they’re good or bad
But I just might give you a call
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
I have little to add for background or color on this chapter. Because of the sensitive nature of what unfolded, my choice of words was meticulous. As stated elsewhere, the difficulty in writing the scenes involving conflict with The MP or his minions was identifying my emotional state at that time, and pushing away influences based upon my knowledge about subsequent events, or rationalization, or any revisionist history rooted in my own denial.
Poor Sandra in HR. My eyes nearly fell out of my head when she told me ‘just make up someting.’ She seemed to immediately realize it was a stupid thing to say. In retrospect, it calmed me down.
Personal Space Camp is named after the children’s book of the same name by Julia Cook, a prolific children’s book author with many titles focused on issues faced by autistic children (and grownups, apparently).
The exchange that occurred on Thursday (Thursday, May 3, 2018, to be precise) with Tania in HR’s carefully worded definition of unnecessary wandering, is the verbatim e-mail exchange. Now that you are aware of this, go back and read the first sentence of The LC in Chapter 2. Ha.
At some point a few weeks after I returned from giving everyone time to heal, Sandra in HR and I were talking in her office about everything swirling around me, and she said “Tania in HR provided me with the conditions you agreed to in settling Jane’s complaint. The only thing that’s confusing is, what does ‘unnecessary wandering or lingering’ mean? Did anybody explain that?” I didn’t respond and changed the subject because it was so embarrassing at the time, but in retrospect hilarious. I considered writing that into the story but never did.
Chapter 19: Path Belated
His eyebrows grow together; people in the office are bound to talk
…
There are explanations that seem to matter less and less each passing day
I could tell a story, but I cannot wake my husband up from sleep
“I could have married others” says the actress in a pornographic film
Oh mother oh mother of mine
I’m not saying this love is wrong, just that I need a rhyme
And if you, oh mother oh mother of mine
Have fallen in love with a man who imports cola, that would be fine
Though he has a good job, I hope he has a friend upon the politburo
His eyebrows grow together: people in the office are bound to talk
And as the full moon comes
And the dogs have all run off to die in peace
And as the scent grows strong
I hope we make it to the bank by 8 a.m.
Mother’s plucking eyebrows, seem to grow while she is fast asleep
There are explanations that seem to matter less and less each passing day
And as the full moon comes
And the dogs have all run off to die in peace
And as the scent grows strong
I hope we make it to the bank by 8 a.m.
I hadn’t noticed until now, but all of My Path Belated and the first half of Devil Song is one two-hour phone call between me and Tania in HR on the afternoon of Friday, May 4, 2018, which was exactly one year to the day since “The LC” meeting in Cool (Chapter 2). I took the call at The Lodge coffee shop at Peachtree Presbyterian Church on Roswell Road in Buckhead, which is where I spent most of those days when I was involuntarily out of the office giving everyone time to heal.
Another funny irony about this time was how, because everyone back at the office needed time to heal, I was unable to attend the May 2018 edition of The MP Show!!! . During the segment of that month’s show awarding the Top Water Lures, Bartholomew, Penelope’s manager (“the guy in the crazy plaid jacket” in The LC meeting), was the holder of one of the core value Rapala Skitter Walk lures. Superiority, I believe. Bartholomew had received the lure the prior month from The MP, of all people. At that month’s The MP Show!!!, Bartholomew passed along the Superiority Skitter Walk to his friend and fellow broker, Jane.
The top-water lures are really baseball bats, which is similarly inane, and the actual core values are Integrity, Teamwork, Creativity, Passion, and Excellence, but I replaced them in the story with the five elements of narcissism. Bartholomew actually held the ‘Excellence’ baseball bat.
Chapter 20: Devil in the Closet
Hey, wanna start a fire
One that’ll never go out
Burn a hole through the center of my mind
Let all the bad thoughts out
This is not a love affair
This is something more complex
Hey, wanna start a war
I’m tired of this old one
And history is true
And it goes round in circles
Burn down the house, there’s a devil in the closet
And everything I say is true
And I go round in circles
I’ll burn down the house, there’s a devil in the closet
My Path Belated and Devil in the Closet were originally one chapter, but I divided it into two, rather than have four short scenes in one long chapter, I think two short scenes apiece in two short chapters works better at this point. Everything is (and, at the time, was) moving so fast in many directions.
The character Jane is named after the subject of the Bob Dylan song Queen Jane Approximately. I referred to her as Queen Jane shortly after we became friends, in the sense of “I have no idea what I’m doing or why things are happening, won’t you come see me and explain, Queen Jane?”
But after the adventure with Tania in HR, the more pertinent lyric was the penultimate line of the lyrics: “And if you want someone you don’t have to speak to.” Thanks to Tania in HR, Jane got what she wanted. Ha.
The “we all have our role to play, Queen Jane” line in the dialogue at lunch with Jane, way back in The Token (Chapter 4), was actually the last message I sent in the last IM exchange I had with Jane before the HR complaint, on the afternoon of Thursday, April 12, 2018.
Damron: Are you in the D&I [Diversity and Inclusion committee] meeting?
Jane [from the Mixx conference room]: Yes
Damron: Is The MP in attendance?
Jane: Oh yes. No meeting is complete without his presence.
Damron: We all have our role to play, Queen Jane.
Twelve days later, Tania in HR came to call.
Chapter 21: Colonel Henrique Adolfo Bermudez
Colonel Enrique Adolfo Bermudas
I want you next to me
Cause distance is a horrid thing for us
Colonel Enrique Adolfo Bermudas
I want you next to me
I’ve got something I don’t want you to miss
Colonel Enrique Adolfo Bermudas
I want you next to me
Ah it’s something we’re feeling I guess
Colonel Enrique Adolfo Bermudas
I want you near me
I’ve got something I don’t want you to miss
Enrique Bermúdez Varela (December 11, 1932 – February 16, 1991), aka Comandante 380, was a Nicaraguan who founded and commanded the Nicaraguan Contras. In this capacity, he became a central global figure in one of the most prominent conflicts of the Cold War.
Assessments of Bermúdez’s military and political leadership varied. His supporters believed that he provided stability among the fractious rebels, holding the Nicaraguan Democratic Force (FDN) together while other Contra factions splintered. Critics, however, charged that he failed to provide strategic direction for the FDN’s campaigns, and that he hampered the Contras’ effectiveness by rewarding loyal cronies instead of the most able commanders. Discontent finally led to a council of field commanders ousting Bermúdez, as well as the purging of the Contras’ predominantly US-based political leadership. Along with the Sandinista government, many of the members of the so-called “Leadership Council” were then suspects in his assassination in 1991.
[Sourced from Wikipedia; some verbiage edited in entirely self-serving ways by the author]
Chapter 22: Seven Languages
I played this song for my love
But she said to me “It has no meaning at all”
We walked across the park without saying a word
And we went to the bar
For no reason at all
Well up in the sky I saw a cloud
And I thought that it looked like something
But on second thought not
And I would come to visit you
But I can’t find my car keys
And I can’t remember where you live
And if I had just a little time
I could speak seven languages
I could walk on water
A friend calls me on the phone
And tells me a joke
Well I think that I laugh
But I don’t remember at all
I woke up with a word in my head
And as far as I know
It has no meaning at all
Well up in the sky
Well I saw a cloud
And I thought it looked like a face
But on second thoughts not
As with Tomorrow Never Knows earlier in Gray Rock, I wrestled mightily with the issue of where to put Cemetery Gates, which happened after Seven Languages. Matching the Vision was the literal midpoint, this I knew, which added to the challenge of seven chapters of the book that unfolded more or less simultaneously over a period of a few weeks. Developing and structuring the book, I knew half would need to be before Matching the Vision, and half would need to be after. Seven Languages is the denoument of Gray Rock and ties up the issue of disclosure to Claire and the (sort of) disclosure to the team. Chronologically, Challenges and part of The Doghouse occurred before I disclosed to The MP in Matching the Vision, and in early drafts The Doghouse was the last scene of Gray Rock.
However, I made the end of the conversation with Tania in HR about The MP’s bizzarre reaction to my disclosure the Epilogue so I could end Gray Rock with my parody of The Rolling Stones classic Midnight Rambler.
I never could settle on the last line of the parody lyrics. I must have come up with 20 different possibilities, and I’m still not satisfied with that last line. To watch the Stones play the portion of the song upon which the parody lyrics are derived, click here. (For the original lyrics, click here.)
Chapter 23: Going Up
Ain’t thou watching my film
Analysing me
Rusty junker squawker
Shaking up it say
If we should pull the plugs out of our history
And all of history yeah
Things that shouldn’t be
Things that couldn’t be no
Things that had to be
Don’t you see?
It’s going up up up
Let’s get the hell out of here
Going up, going down
Do you want to know what’s wrong with the world?
Everywhere people with no flowers in their hair
By the end of Gray Rock, Damron achieved success in his role and also disclosed his disability to the company. Although he must refrain from disclosing to others (and endure being the Office Creep) until he patches up things with Jane, the MP was now on notice that Damron is protected by the ADA, and thereby neutralized (he hoped). Having reached the midpoint of the story, Damron has accomplished is objectives. Time to knock it all down, right?
I did not truly untangle everything that happened from April 24 (Tania in HR’s first call) to June 15, 2018 (the day I informed The MP about the disability disclosure) until I wrote the manuscript. All of Going Up happened in late May as well, so seven chapters are devoted to the Midpoint turn in the story. Challenges (disclosing to Claire in Chapter 22), Boiling the Ocean, and Never Stop occurred after I disclosed to the company but before I informed the MP (recall how I was incorrectly certain Sandra in HR would blab).
Going Up sets the stage for the second half of the story, along with We Work in the following chapter. Boiling the Ocean was an empty cliche’ and catch phrase used by The MP and his minions to describe taking what should be a small project and turning it into a project so large it couldn’t be done, e.g., boiling the ocean. I had a scene of an exchange the analysts and I had about the saying and how it only revealed their lack of understanding of the possibilities of Big Data. “No Rudy, we want to boil the ocean….” Although the scene didn’t make the final cut, the title did.
Chapter 24: Ballyhoo
Buffalo and bison
Bison and buffalo
Cannonball and rifle
Rifle and cannonball
That’s the way the thunder rumbles
Down on your knees again
Saying please again yeah yeah yeah
Kangaroo and chipmunk
Chipmunk and kangaroo
Ballyhoo and bedbugs
Bedbugs and ballyhoo
That’s the way the bee bumbles
That’s the way the thunder rumbles
The final seventeen chapters of the story occur in chronological order from June, 2018. This second half of the book was the opposite of the beginning and middle. The first half was easier to write but difficult to arrange in such a way as to keep the story moving along. The second half was easy to arrange, or rather, didn’t need hardly any arranging, but was difficult for me to write because I had to come to terms with many emotions I experienced throughout the period.
For instance, for Party Out Of Bounds, I had to think through the why of my uneasiness and suspicion that my new office space could be endangered by the prospect of a large party in the Disco Lobby. Many of the attendees disliked me, or so I felt, and I had to come to terms with how I felt little different from the exclusion from groups as a kid, or being at a party where I wasn’t welcome in high school. Decades later, I was dealing with the same crap. The same worries about becoming a target. Realizing this while writing about the experience a year after it occurred opened my eyes, finally, to what was really happening at the time.
The email to Tania in HR is verbatim and timestamped.
Chapter 25: Rescue
If I said I’d lost my way
Would you sympathise
Could you sympathise?
I’m jumbled up
Maybe I’m losing my touch
But you know I didn’t have it anyway
Won’t you come on down to my rescue
Things are wrong
Things are going wrong
Can you tell that in a song
I don’t know what I want anymore
First I want a kiss and then I want it all
Losing sense of those harder things
Is this the blues I’m singing?
As you can probably imagine, Rescue was among the most difficult chapters to write. I added the “it was a bullying attempt, plain and simple” paragraph, which is on the back cover of the paperback book, in one of the final revisions. In the moment I didn’t consider myself as a target of workplace bullying. I didn’t know what workplace bullying was until deep into my revisions of the manuscript.
Tania in HR, however, “Senior HR Professional, SPHR, SHRM-SCP” that she is, knew or should have known what workplace bullying was, and that a person with a neurological disability in an office for which she was responsible was a target of it.
Although I was upset at the time and struggling to understand my emotional state. In some ways I saw the office invasion as an opportunity. Somebody would make a mistake, and I would pop them hard and hopefully end this middle-school-playground situation.
The cover art for the book is a rendition of my arrival of work the morning of June 29, 2018. As I mention in the acknowledgements, my graphic artist Heidi captured the scene perfectly. The pictures I took that morning were helpful to her, but she also understood my emotional state to get the posture of the silhouette to convey the “WTF” reaction anyone would have to arriving at work and finding one’s personal office space trashed, as in “is this really happening in a global professional service firm environment?”
Best Places To Work! 